Raising Teens & Talking about Heavy Topics
When I was a teen, we didn’t have cell phones or social media. Handwritten notes and calling friends on the phone were the ways to communicate. Back then we were able to take a break from the gossip, rumors, judgement, opinions while at home and we were able to experience realtime excitement, joy, accolades, facial expressions and communication with others face to face.
In the world we live in today, teens do not have that opportunity, unless we don’t allow our children to have cell phones or social media access.
But even back then there was the pressure, stress and anxiety to fit in, to matter and there were, like today, vices like drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, should one choose, as well as the same mental health concerns. With all that teens have on their plate with social media and social pressures in today’s world, I can’t imagine the internal struggles many, if not all, post pandemic, endure. Back when I was a teen there were teens I knew that struggled with addiction & mental health with a few who sadly, chose to end their life. There were many difficult balls in the air during my teen years so I struggled emotionally, more often than not. Psychologists and psychiatrists, and the like, were not as they are today, so when I found myself one night feeling hopeless, feeling as if no one understood me and was so overwhelmed with all the emotions that were within me, I called the hotline that was printed all over my teen magazines. Was I ok? No. Was I using drugs? No. Was I consuming alcohol? No. Was I going to hurt myself? No. Was I going to hurt someone else? No. But did I need help? Yes. I spoke to the person on the other line for a while and they encouraged me to tell my parents or a trusted adult. Soon after, the Universe provided me someone who would alter my life forever, my high school principal. I’ll never forget the moment he saw through my smile and pulled me into his office. It was a pivotal moment in my life when I needed to be heard.
I think sometimes in this world we live in, our children can become so overwhelmed by social pressures at school & online. As parents, it can be challenging to always have a pulse on how they’re doing. How they are REALLY doing. Sometimes we think we know what our children are thinking or need. Sometimes we are on point and sometimes we are way off base because we are busy solving for them vs listening and observing or just plain busy with other children or our daily lives. I’m not judging and I’m not saying the responsibility is all on us. I’m guilty of it all too.
But here is the thing. Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among people age 15 to 24 in the U.S. Nearly 20% of high school students report serious thoughts of suicide and 9% have made an attempt to take their lives, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
Those facts scare the shit out of me because my husband and I are raising 3 high schoolers. Recently, there’s been quite a few media grabbing suicides from social media influencers to collegiate athletes, and the grieving parents state they had no idea their children were suffering. Again, no judgement, just education. There also has been recent media attention around attempted suicides, including Harry Miller, a college athlete at Ohio State, who in March on Twitter, shared that he was retiring from football after sharing with his coach that he had attempted suicided. Sharing his struggles led him to get help. He said in his Tweet, that’s been shared more than 10,000 times, “This is not an issue reserved for the far and away. It is in our homes. It is in our conversations. It is in the people we love.”
Dr Carl Fleisher, MD who specializes in adolescent and child psychiatry at UCLA Health states in an online article that “The things that make them vulnerable are where they stand socially and where they stand developmentally. Developmentally, their judgment and decision-making abilities are still coming online. The prefrontal cortex — the brain’s executive control center — doesn’t fully develop until one’s mid-20s. That makes young people more impulsive. They're not going to weigh risks and consequences or values in quite the same way that older folks will.”
Not everyone who is considering suicide appears to be overly sad or depressed but in fact, it is more of the stigma of asking for help so when they reach their breaking point it comes out of left field.
So what, as parents can we do?
Check in with them & let them know you are willing and available to listen. They don’t need to appear as if they are having a tough time, often it is when they seem ok is when they’re struggling.
Talk to them about mental health such as depression & anxiety and suicide. Let them know asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness or lack of willpower but is courageous and brave. Talk about the importance of getting help when you need it, the importance of reaching out to others like friends who seem to be struggling and the importance of letting you know if they have concerns about someone.
Don’t make them feel as if everything in life is perfect. By sharing our own experiences, we can help them put their feelings into context — when things are going well and when they’re not.
Don’t stop asking questions or engaging them in conversation. I mean, they are teens after all. If they shut you down, let them know that whenever they want to talk, you will be there to listen, not judge, and help support them.
If you feel your teen is in grave danger dial 911. If you have any concerns about your teens mental health, take action. Call your pediatrician. Call your health insurance to learn about mental health coverage and providers. Your employer might have an Employee Assistance Program that offers a certain amount of free support too.
This is a heavy topic, I know, but I was drawn to write about it and trust that someone out there needed me to do so.