At a crossroads in life…
Have you ever found yourself one, some or all of these feelings - lost, stuck, insecure, hopeless, overwhelmed, angry, sad, scared, deflated, stressed beyond words?
Yes. Me too. All of them.
About a month ago, I went for a walk near my home and found myself at the same spot I sat many years ago, at a spiritual place of prayer called Fatima Shrine, when I was feeling ALL of those feelings, lost, stuck, insecure, hopeless, overwhelmed, angry, sad, scared, deflated, stressed.
Back then, I felt like a stranger in my own body, going through life questioning how I had found myself on this path of despair. Often I was on autopilot raising my elementary school age twins, using most of my energy to shield them from the fact that their parents' marriage was slowly eroding. There were numerous shifts that led to this erosion from moving out of the city and purchasing a home out in the suburbs large enough to fit my family and an in-law apartment for my parents, to me leaving my successful corporate profession to work part-time gigs and be a stay at home mom for the children to fractures in the foundation of marriage that remained hidden for a long time. All of these major life events were not my decisions alone but over time I was made to feel as if they were, and selfish decisions at that. “Made to feel” is difficult to say because, 1) my feelings are my feelings and 2) it is counter intuitive of my core values but during that time, I lost a sense of myself and what I desired out of life vs what I had to do for those in my life as a wife, a mom, a daughter etc. For reasons that I will share another time, I didn't have many childhood / high school friends that carry through adulthood or the friends that you stay connected to throughout the next phase post college so through the twins, opportunities to meet other moms & forming new connections were welcomed & presented itself at the bus stop, local parks, playgrounds, in-school events & school activities.
I found purpose in supporting small businesses through my part time work & found myself volunteering more and more, being drawn to certain opportunities to give back like being a troop leader for my daughter’s Daisy & Brownie Girl Scouts, working at the snack shack grilling & working the counter for my son’s youth baseball program but the holy grail of volunteering presented itself when the twins chose cheer & football as their sports in 2 & 3rd grade. I jumped at the chance to give back to my community with one program both my children were going to be a part of for many years to come. All these volunteer roles, especially the years involved with the football & cheer program are how many in my community came to know me. What they didn’t know is that for many years it gave me purpose at a time when my personal life was unraveling.
Looking back I can say the red flags were there and I certainly made numerous attempts to “save my marriage” but it takes both parties to fight equally as hard as the other for it to be saved. While it’s natural for moms to cavech about their lives with one another, the complaints shared only scratched the surface like how annoying it is that my husband leaves the toilet seat up or my husband doesn’t appreciate all the work done for the house and the kids. It most certainly wasn’t chatter about the possibility that my husband was cheating or that we had to develop a return home plan after traveling for work and was too drunk to see them. There were a few people that I kind of confided in who normalized what I was feeling so I kept going through the motions of this life, desperate for things to get better and making excuses for when it didn't.
Getting out & meeting moms and feeling connected was a positive in my life and with that came play dates, gatherings and party invites. I thought that the challenges at home could be worked on with commitment & work, two things that were agreed upon, so I was hopeful. I was hopeful until I was not. I found myself saying yes to mom night out invites and then either blowing them off or making excuses as to why I couldn’t attend last minute. If I did attend, my anxiety was at its peak fearing that someone would be able to read my mind & know that I was hiding secrets behind my big warm smile. Vividly, I recall being invited to a 40th surprise party for a friend. It fell on a night I needed to also pick up my husband at the train station 2 towns over following a work trip. The time I needed to pick him up at the train station & bring him home was sufficient for me to arrive at the restaurant well before the birthday girl. I was excited to meet up with those I knew, without kids in tow, and meet new moms, possibly forming new friendships. I waited in the train parking lot while two commuter trains, which don’t run often, left the station. I think I had placed 20 calls in that time frame that were left unanswered. I was scared, fearing the worst and also pissed because my gut was telling me that “something wasn’t adding up”, which terrified me to feel. I also knew I wasn’t going to be there for my friend’s surprise, something that I was committed to not have happen. The situation that I was forced to be in made no sense to me, especially when I got the callback that he missed the train stop because he was asleep on the train. To this day I don’t know the full truth of where he was, what he was doing, other than knowing he wasn’t on a train, wasn’t where he said he was & wasn’t sober. As I drove to the next station feeling angry, deflated, unsettled and confused, I contemplated my next move. I was overcome with such conflicting emotion, my anxiety peaked & panic set in but I stood my ground to honor my commitment to myself, dropped him off & showed up late to the party. It took every ounce of strength to smile, have small talk & pose for pictures when all I wanted to do was fall into the arms of another mom who saw through my smile, would listen, console me and lift me up. Looking back, I resisted opening up because I wasn’t ready to admit how I truly felt in my situation & I felt trapped as if I had no other option but to stay in the marriage. I also wasn’t fully aware at the time, the severity of the situation until there had been a few wake up calls questioning my husband’s commitment and definition of marriage which led to layered lies & ultimate betrayals. During this time in my life, I emotionally was at capacity thus creating anxiety and panic within me. I sought out clinical care which included a therapist and a psychiatrist for support but even then, I wasn’t ready to own my truth and say the words I never thought I’d say and do the thing I never thought I’d do.
Feeling overwhelmed was a normal occurrence for me. I would often tell the twins that “mommy needs a time out” or “mommy needs space” as I walked to my bathroom or closet, the places I sought solace to regroup. As the twins got older, they began to notice my facial expressions or the tone of my voice when I was or was becoming overwhelmed. Most times they understood and would give me my space, sometimes a few seconds or it’d be a short minute until they’d come find me. More often than not, they’d find me sitting on the floor weeping which would make them cry as they became worried, stressed & confused. I tried to prevent them from seeing me in this state, so when I became under severe emotional distress, I would leave the house. Of course, they were never left alone, their father or my parents would be there to fill them with the obligatory “mommy left to run errands” explanation. Most times it was a ride around town to cry & regroup but on this one particular day, I found myself at Fatima Shrine next to this tree searching, hoping, praying for answers & strength to see me through this darkness. Like the tree in the picture, one side was standing tall with strong limbs and pine needles while the other part was slowly dying needle by needle, limb by limb.
I clung to the hope that all would become better and for a while, I was on the path to accept it for what it was until I came to the realization that I didn’t have to just accept it. Over time I reached within & decided that I wanted more, and deserved more for I was tired of fighting for this life alone. I contemplated staying in the marriage for the sake of the children but I wondered if it would help or hinder their growth. Like many other times in my life I was at a crossroads & needed to make a choice. It wasn’t one that was taken lightly & certainly one that didn't happen overnight. There was no lightbulb moment, in fact, there were many moments where I surprised myself by staying in the marriage when I came face to face with the truth of what was really going on. There was a lot of contemplating & self reflection. Ultimately for me, I knew I had exhausted all avenues & knew that I couldn’t live life with a part of myself that was eroding knowing eventually, if life stayed the same, would become no more.
If you find yourself at a crossroad in life, here are 3 things I suggest to get you through
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Tell yourself out loud that you are not alone. You might not be sharing with family and friends about what really is happening behind your front door and that is ok. Find someone unbiased like a therapist or a coach to lean on who can validate your feelings and also give it back to you straight up so you can begin to make sense of all that's swirling in your head to resolve yourself from it. Not everyone in my situation would make the same choice as I did but that’s the point. It is your life. You have a choice. It is yours to make.
GIVE YOURSELF GRACE. We can be so hard on ourselves and carry so much weight on our shoulders. You did not get to where you are at by your words and actions alone so why carry it all on your shoulders? Being at a crossroads in your life is heavy and exhausting, especially if it is a silent journey. If you work and are beating yourself up because you always give 100% and right now you're giving 85%? Give yourself grace. If you are a stay at home mom and the house is in disarray and the laundry is piling up because you found yourself binge watching a show? Give yourself grace. Give yourself permission to be ok with not being at maximum capacity right now. You are still doing your job. Work is still getting done. Lower the high expectations you have in yourself right now.
GIFT YOURSELF THE TIME OF SELF-CARE Do for you. Give yourself permission to take that walk in nature or peruse your favorite store during your lunch break. Do something you typically don't do for yourself like a manicure, a massage, a lunch date with friends while the children are at school. Spending time for yourself allows time to self reflect and gain clarity to your situation.
Ever since I stood in my truth and made the choice to get a divorce, I can’t tell you how many people have come up to me in person, commented or messaged me on social media telling me how happy I look. Some of the happiness is due to me finding love & remarrying but the true happiness they see has come from within me by breaking free & standing in my truth.
I would love to hear from you about what has gotten you through crossroads in your life.